She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
