I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
