tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
