The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
