he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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