Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
