wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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