I looked at my own cervix.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
