Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
