She is in my trunk
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize