btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
