just tell him i said nine months
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
