sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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