Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize