apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He better not be in your backpack
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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