I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
