chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
