That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She bit a glass in half.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
