Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
