Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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