I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
