I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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