My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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