He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
