it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
