No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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