Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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