redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
