I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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