I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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