My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
