And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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