At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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