Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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