u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
