I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
