How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
