Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
