saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
