First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
