Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize