I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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