I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
