Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
