i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
