It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
