Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
