Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize