You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
