i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
