It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
