I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
