after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
