For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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