I think I died a long time ago.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
