Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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