I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
