just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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