I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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