it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
