it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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