I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
