What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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