I got chris browned last night
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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