I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
